July was a blast! Still riding high from the previous six months of deep Flow Peak Performance Coaching I felt like I’d gotten some of my actions dialed in to continue creating and riding the best waves in my very own life.
Continuing to hone my focus in on Active Recovery I set out to really enjoy this Summer. Deeply. To experience. To feel. To walk on the beach. To hike in areas I haven’t been to in a long time. To wake up early and catch those beautfiul Summer morning low tides. To sit in the yard and watch the trees. To listen to the birds. To walk around the neighborhood and visit with neighbors. And to continue finishing the children’s fiction novel I’ve been working on since last Summer.
The fourth of July was calm and eventful. Enjoying glimpses of my family in their element seems to be one of the greatest joys these days.
The 24th of July came and I celebrated another anniversary of this new found life of living alive and continuing to show up courageously, vulnerably. Show. Up. It’s not new anymore. This is how I get to live my life now!
There have been times over the years where doing this has been easier than others. A new Brené Brown book will come out and the topic of conversation comes to COURAGE, VULNERABILITY, CONNECTION, TOGETHERNESS… And I’m like yes, yes, YES! Let’s do this!
“You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.”
And then the murmur’s fade and people go back to what they were doing before… and I’m left wondering if I really do want to be courageous all alone. Because some days that’s what it feels like.
Some days the answer is yes. Some days the answer is no. But I keep waking up every day anyway setting the best of intentions and moving into the best currents of reality that I can, when I can.
Life Mastery seems to be the verbs at the tip of the tongue. I always kind of wonder ‘What am I doing?’ Trying to anchor into something… This is my talent! I am a writer! I am a coach! I love learning! Ugh… Why is this so hard. I have no idea what I am doing…
LIFE FLOW… Allowing thyself to be in zee river of Life.
I come to myself on days with the utmost silence. Sitting in the peaceful calm of the vibration of my very own heart beating.
BE. LA. Each beat says to me.
The rhythm of my breath seems to create the most movement throughout this body as the thoughts just ebb, sometimes receding out like a low tide, sometimes coming up way real high. Cold, crisp, wintery storm while the sun is till shining bright.
Feeling increasingly aware of “the internet” and social media, I come to my burnt out senses at times. “This shit is not real.” And yet I open my phone and look again anyway, posting the photos, showing my day.
Sometimes it’s rainbows and butterflies because all things colorful, sparkly, with sprinkles exude joy. But lest we not forget the rainbow takes rain and a butterfly must go through a metamorphosis in a cocoon to be-come floaty and fluttery. Ah the essence of being and becoming our best selves and living our best lives.
Kona Rose is ALWAYS living her best life!
Who gets to say what is the best for us anyway?
I am no guru. Sometimes on a good day there’s some sage wisdom churning in here. Born and raised on the rugged streets of Cannon Beach. 😉 At times feeling compelled to share my life experiences. To give voice to these happenings. The way things have shifted and grown inside of me.
Not transformer style. I do not unfold into a million pieces building myself up to be a fighting warrior. What happens for me is I recognize areas where I may not be utilizing my full capacity. I noticed that I didn’t have a voice. Zero. And if I did have one I wasn’t using it.
“It’s so easy for you to write…” someone recently said to me. And I got to explain the work, the dedication, and the detail it has taken to allow my voice to come out and through. Remembering those first trepidacious days of facing the blank page in 2013. ALONE. Angry. Pen burning with fire.
I used to be afraid to pick up the phone, to speak, to even make a call. Still am somedays. Now, I do it anyway especially when it’s a friend, an ally, or one of my loves.
I used to be afraid of blank pages. What will I say? Will it be good? Will it be bad? Are there any stories in here? I write more anyway.
Sometimes the friction, the tension would get knotted up so tight in my chest and my throat that the only expression I had was tears. If only there was a magnifying glass to read the words inside of each of those wet little droplets over the years.
Something happens when we allow ourselves to show up to these blank spaces. Sometimes old stuff comes out. Sometimes new stuff comes up. Sometimes, just sometimes, our dreams get imagined into a space where they can actually come through with their own voice.
What is most real to me comes alive when I come back to myself. Quiet. Stillness. Turn off the Macbook. Turn down the notifications. Let life dwindle for a bit. I ride the crest of momentum. Then watch the waves fade.
Shhhh…. this is home to me.
Remembering again and again that Patience and Stillness ARE actions. To BE is To DO is to be to do to be do be do… You get the idea.
How I feel seems REAL at times. “This is a GREAT day!” “This will be so fun.” And then the mood changes and I’m like where did my chipper atttitude go? Disappearing like a fleeting fluffy cloud in the sky. POOF!
So let’s be honest and recognize there are challenges. Healing, being courageous, quite possibly living in flow at times is not an endless ride on an endless wave. I am human. You are human. Aren’t we all?
I am sorry if my lust for wonder has left an air of ‘having it all’ when this isn’t true. Baring the pain through a photo on some algorithmic platform is quite filtered, even the words I say, the letters I choose are moving through a filter… I just don’t always share the challenges, the 3am insomnia, the days where my body and nervous system feel like 350 pounds again. All of this is real and do we talk about it? Maybe we should. At least with our therapists. You have one too right?
Kidding, but not. Togetherness comes when we acknowledge our weakenesses and our challenges in a tender way. Not just casting a light on our shadows barefoot in the darkness of night. But sitting, listening, responding to a moment, responding to a friend, responding to the truest of feelings that are inside of us. NOW.
And yet, I still reach into the past. As if these memories will help to center and anchor me into my best future. Thinking again… Trying to overcome some thing, A-Gain.
To me the sense of being in one’s center continues to remain the truest. No matter the digital gadget, the age of times, our relationships, our families, our towns, our cultures… It seems that our ability to make sense of things, to have conversations, to listen, to share, to be willing to sit and invite one another to the table, to A table, is the access point where we will always come to know the most truth. Empathy may really just be our truest filter of all.
Not always easy but damn it’s a beautiful picture. Bones are quaking.
I have found myself on some days opening to vulnerability, sharing the chimes of past hurts on my heart. And then closing the next. To the very same people with which I have just shared such a close connection.
I find myself searching for answers, and searching for tools that a childish version of me wants to wield to be strong and powerful in this world. “If only I could…” Reaching her imaginary sword out to slay… What is it again? Dragons?
My Life is telling it’s own story for which I can edge the arc. Each decision, moments of contention is right where I start. Do I be quiet? Shall I speak up? Which moment is which? I feel deeply inside. Coming alive to every nick of history. Paths fading in the night.
Love told me to Live Alive and that’s what I try to do every day. Sometimes, living alive only means getting out of bed and making it to the couch. And that’s O.K.
I have been a striver, a hider, a perpetual antagonist, a loving daughter, a dutiful sister, a rugged partner, a beautiful lover, a non-existent friend, a heartbreaker, a foolish child, and a somber adult. E T C
Who. Am. I. Now?
That’s what matters most. We get to choose you know this I told her so. Through the loving poems etched with markers on all of my mirrors. Trying some way to get through to HER.
She sees me most when I am just letting myself be. No upgrades. No more working on those weaknesses. No more trying to connect through vulnerability. Just Love without even spelling it out. I am getting stronger on these days. Letting myself be seen to more than just a memory.
And then I ask myself what am I writing all of this for?
The answers have changed over the years. To be authentic. To find my Voice. To share my Voice. To inspire people. To forge a way through… To…____________.
I wonder if…
“Think of all the people you can help,” my dear friend Harvey recently said to me.
Click. Click. Key in Lock. Turning.
I’ve always been afraid of who I might hurt. And when I let go of a story that is not mine, a fear that was not mine disappears too…
And I become grateful.
The answer is open ended now and today I shall finish it with the invisible kind of Love. The kind I bring to myself when I let whatever shows up on the page BE. No contention. No judgment. Just what is. True or not. Free.
And if you have made it this far along the journey of Lala’s Life Garden blogs I’d like to offer a gift to one of my readers. Shoot an email on over to LalasLifeGarden@gmail.com and share one miracle that you’re grateful for this Summer (don’t worry those will be kept private).
You’ll be entered into a drawing for a Lala’s Life Garden T-Shirt!
Winner will be drawn before the end of October!