Quarter One 2019: Living In FLOW

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.”

-Pema Chödrön

Walking into 2019 felt like a bridge from a chaotic, wonderfully delightful, yet gloriously stressful 2018.

“What have we gotten ourselves into?” I asked G. Full well knowing we’d jumped off of a lot of cliffs, into pools of water (figuratively), that we were just now learning how to swim in, all at the exact same time!

“It’s an adventure…” she reminds me. Pulling the same line out of her own back pocket that I’ve shared with her so many times throughout our years together.

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Adventuring through our days, in the most basic of ways, for us means experiencing some of our same ol’ vistas from new vantage points! We allow a lot of our time and moments together to be consumed by the novelty of taking a new path, walking a new stretch of beach or neighborhood, exploring conversations and people in new and exciting ways. #StayCurious #WithGoodIntentions

Our conversations land us in the middle of our own adventure quite often. Creating instances of awe, wonder, and inspiration through the very basic and very simple openings of Life. Right here, right now.

Exploring the simplicity of awe and wonder has been a track of focus for me my entire lifetime. Being open to the surprises along the way that come through random run ins with friends, loved ones, and family members have just been a causal effect of these spontaneous adventures.

It is so fun to be open to the magic and mystery of life! And yet, at times, it can also be terrifying when the unknowns of the path in front of us seem laid out in a very invisible way that we cannot see!

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These are the moments that anxiety can overwhelm me. I feel lost saying, “I don’t know what to do!” It’s not often that I let these words come out of my mouth. Mostly I sit at the precipice of the unknown alone but also with a very firm grasp on the nature that surrounds me.

The Spirit of Cannon Beach has come to my rescue more times than I can count. Sweeping in like fog on a cool winter morning. The sun wanting to blaze but only poking her head from behind the clouds once in a while. I rest. Close my eyes. Listen to the sound of the waves, the wind, the cool air breezing past me. Immersing myself into the cadence of knowing flow like the waves coming ashore responding to the tides and pull of the moon.

Does a wave resist this gravitatious pull?

I relax. My needing to know subsides. I listen. With all I am.

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Learning to release what I think is happening and allowing myself to absorb a level of knowing that translates without words. Movement. Flowing. Feeling. Being.

I know that my role in life and relationships and interactions beyond is not all about me. But I also know there is a level of responsiblity for which I can create moving forward. Opening into this space has become the joy of any blessing for which I have received or bestowed in this life.

Feeling the edge of creativity, wonder, a little fear, and responsiblity seems to be quite an interesting cocktail brewing surprises that I never had the audacity to dream as possible.

I take the next step in learning about these creations, these dreams, through receptivity so that I may hone in on the best possible way to enjoy and experience life and then if I am ever so lucky, be able to share and teach this wisdom of feeling, being and receiving in the simplest, bite size chunks, that I can manage.

I don’t talk about everything I’ve done, mountains I’ve climbed, overcome, or even failed at ascending. My life speaks for itself. Strewn with adversity, a few triumphs, and plenty of complexity.

The opportunity to learn how to hone in my skills with this movement of life, like a wave with the ocean, let’s just call it Flow, came in November of 2018. I answered the call to immerse myself into the workings and knowledge of The Flow Genome Project’s Coaching Certification course with Jamie Wheal and Steven Kotler and was accepted!

Excited then Scared Sh*tless were the immediate feelings.

In February 2019 I travelled to Scott’s Valley, California for a retreat with fellow comrades immersed in the four day course at 1440 Multiversity. Followed up by months of remote learning and activities currently happening even now.

The Goal? Learn about the fine details and inner workings of Flow so that I could coach through broadening the capacities of Fitness, Nutrition, and Movement.

Life Flow.   Energy.    Joy.   Transformation.

Curious about your Flow Profile? Find out with a short quiz here.

Deep amidst the Redwoods lays an old bible college transformed into a multiversity of shared learning. People from all walks of life welcome. Retreats aimed at the esoteric, inspiring, joyful and healing with all encompassing teacher’s from even more walks of life.

I found myself feeling at home.

Five days of immersion. A fire hose of information. And years ahead of me to absorb, digest, and impart in creative ways…

Interaction with others stemming from openness, friendliness, connections and non-connections. Judgment trying to subside. Perspectives opening from the hide. Witnessing listening through the eyes, the breath, the movement, the being. Moments of synchronicty flowing through most every convergence. Curiosity flourishing with new questions and some of the same old answers.

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“You are gone. I am here. Can we connect beyond ear to ear?”

Coffee with my Father has become a morning ritual of grounding, journaling, absorbing and unveiling gratitude. I came with a call to live a peaceful life. Destruction masking my creativity as the process of this journey has been teaching me more about calmness, peace, and serenity WITH the unknown. The continual shakiness of living lost amidst the adventure but always coming home again breeds buoyancy.

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This FLOW DOJO at 1440 Multiversity taught me about the limitations of my own “story”. The journey I so oftenly refer to. The rear-view mirror limited in perspective and capacity. I lay my armor down.

Opening to new moments in old ways. Saying no to shyness and yes to meeting myself and others where they are. I walked away with a few new friends.

Fellow sailors on similar journey’s in their own lives we sit at King Arthur’s Round Table to discuss the intersections, continuing connections of the flower of life that flows between, through, from and beyond us.

My mask slowly faded, taking a back seat inside of my bag. Sweeping the curtains aside to glimpse, feel, notice, touch in ways beyond current modalities. I am not alone. We are in this together.

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This Sanctuary provided respite for my soul. Wandering through grief, allowing the floodgates to open without fear of retreat, and honoring the tears pouring out, through, under and within us. We are all so very similar. More alike than we are different. This creek flows underneath the Sanctuary at 1440 where all our lectures were held. Reminding us we are merely passengers for a short while and the river will continue flowing with or without us. #JustPassingThrough

I bask in nature’s glory again. Grounding the information through my being, witnessing, emerging and growing. Grief shall not be the vector for which I continue this game. Life is more than love lost.

But let’s get real. The food was SO GOOD. The environment was SO CLEAR. The intentions were SO PURE. The creations are… HAPPENING.

Barefoot in the night, I run… Filling the hole of emptiness my mind has assumed. I am reminded to Wonder, Look, Imagine, Real, Glorious!

I have been given a key for which my soul will decode creatively.

I jump for joy. Cold feet landing on the wet ground. Yet I don’t fully know what I’m leaping for. I am overwhelmed with what I think I know, assuming yet again.

Dots shifting in my perspective from static to dynamic wholistic and contrasting. My senses grow sharper. External vision widens. Breath deepens. I sing happily in the rain through this body. I meet a supposed adversary across the table, it’s not him I am afraid of, but rather an imposed mask of ‘the other’ and he reminds me that, “It doesn’t feel good to be used does it?” His voice changes, wiser, full of depth, my interest sharpens, I lean in but build a boundary for that which I have assumed yet again. He bridges me out of my narrow view to a place where my senses have become unfamiliar. But I am not alone. Even though I am solitary after our interaction a wise woman walks by and asks, “You on your phone again?” And I am.

I lay awake. Sleep eludes me. The mystery concludes me. I falter. And then I gently pick myself back up again. This walk about has yet to be uncovered. Layers of meaning embedded throughout. Deeper than I have realized I dive. Unwittingly. To play. And who’s to say what any of this means any way?

Grace leads. And I need her to. Because she is the best friend I’ve always been waiting for.

I wake up without sleeping. I follow the coffee that is steeping. I put on my usual mask of humility wanting really just to hide. I am smiling with joy for just showing up anyway, happy just to be here. And I am unshaken, well that’s not true, I for sure got shook. But adaptability unwaivering, resiliency unchanging. I come alive again into myself behaving. Where is that Grace again?

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We are interconnected creating. Combined and changing.

One to another we relate our paving.

“The answer is never the answer. What’s really interesting is the mystery. Plant a garden in which strange plants grow and mysteries bloom.”

-Ken Kesey

Reaching into the soil, historical seeds have shifted. Most of it is getting sifted. Some true. Others not so true. Lots need no repeating. Discernment becomes our rake as we till what’s at stake. Letting the garden grow takes an exhibition of patience. Grace knows. She’s always been waiting for me to ask her how.

I am reminded that our love exceeds space and time. And then I come alive again feeling the pulse of my own heartbeat centering deep into the ground underneath. Surging into my own senses present. Releasing a history of repeat, forever leaning into the mystery. Creating opportunity, through a journey winding pathways with words, movements, unmasked people and even coaching. Undoing the Unknowing. Unravelling and then showing. These open hands and heart. And I am still here too.

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I come HOME.

Again and Again.

Loving our capacities to no end.

Unveiling imperfections to all friends.

Sweeping across the horizon. I am watching the rising of another soul. I bless his journey from afar.

Our batlles remain. Some myth’s never change. But the role we play is our choice. And how we shift in and out of these spaces changes mostly with our voice. Intentions become clear. Our power of awakening is more than we fear.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our Light not our Darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves… Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us. It’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Marianne Williamson

A birthday reminds me of love in my life through avenues I continue to make myself available. Opening, receiving, retrieving, believing new sentiments in the same old word spelled differently now, L – O – V – E. Unconditionally. To be free.

I am asked to participate in my sister’s ceremony of LOVE. Officiate, to lead, to guide, to add my voice into the equation of this occasion where two will become ONE. I am honored and humbled at the same time. Gratitude pouring through my eyes. Feeling seen and heard in the depths of my soul. Sisters can do that.

I write again, knowing there’s no real end. Releasing the strangle hold on expectations I thought were coming from my best self. And maybe they still are, but I’m gonna go ahead and hold hands with Grace before I take any more steps.

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She reminds me of this grace, more often than I can remind myself. We Remember better together. And then we fly… Exploring places and experiences yet unknown to us. She creates an enveloping feeling of wonder to continue celebrating my birthday…

New friends sing from afar and I am delighted like a kid in kindergarten. Refreshed looking at all of their clear faces feeling the rejuvenation of our meeting and retreat. I remember our dinner’s at the Round Table and feel honored yet again.

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I Rest… Full of exuberance and peace. ❤

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I continue the track I started re-upping my credentials at the Crossfit Level One seminar the next weekend.

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CF-L1 Seminar 3/17/19, Crossfit X-Factor, Portland, OR  (photo cred: Chris McDonald)

The 411’s start popping up again. Much like last year and the year before. What is the message now? I learn and remember deeply the parallels of fitness, nutrition, life and flow. I solidify and liquify at the exact same time.

Opening our arms again to the yet unknown. Inviting the surprises of spontaneity into our lives. Befriending the mystery as we deepen our relationships. This mountain is for all of us. Together. Remembering.

I am feeling a bit like this these days. Windswept. Shook. But also very Stable. Feet firmly planted. Wings spread in flight. Opening my love to the unknown. And ready to look you in the eye.

“The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but on building the new.”

-Socrates