There was a faint call for a dream in the deep recesses of my heart. It was less tangible with words and form, but the feelings were seeded in the notion of ‘You CAN do this’.
In 2006 everything in my life was focused on what I could NOT do. I could not move or be comfortable in my own skin, I was 350lbs. I could not get through a day without binging on some external supposed ‘joy’ whether it was food, television, shopping, alcohol or sleeping.
My reasons and meanings for being were buried so deeply within my heart that they barely saw the light of day. I was closed. I was scared. I was limited. It wasn’t a fun existence.
But one faint call kept coming, ‘You CAN stand on your own two feet…’ and I’d see an image of myself strong, confident, mobile, able, capable. The only times I’d allow myself to dream about what I might be capable of in life would be the times when I’d be just so fed up with the nightmare I was living. The nightmare I’d somehow kind of created myself and was emotionally, physically, mentally locked up in. There were no windows, no doors. There was no way out when I looked at the usual routes.
Until I started looking up, and really looking deep within, hopeful with my intentions and pondering the possibilities of a better way, a better day, anything but more of ‘this’, this nightmare.
Each time if I was brave enough to look within my heart the inspiration would speak to me without fail. But not in the sense of a voice telling me what to do, it was more of this painted landscape of feeling tones.
What do you want to feel?
How do you want to move?
How do you see yourself in this space?
Throughout these painted landscapes within I saw myself vibrant and alive living with a zest for life able to move with every opportunity or open door that came my way. It’s just this overall feeling of liberated fluidness, hopeful for the next steps to be taken and always infused with humility of where I’ve come from. Living with The Best of Intentions through Action.
When the feelings became more tangible the dreams always started becoming about travel. It was about being light enough to pick up and move (which meant I needed to lose a lot of weight) but solid enough to know that home was always within (I was/I am safe and loved). It was the way I was raised, travelling back and forth between parents, moving from house to house to house. I quite enjoyed it all.
Sometimes I get tired of sharing this story of weight loss, of learning to live vibrantly, thinking people are ‘over it’. Thinking that my dreams keep getting lost in the ‘slush pile’. Thinking that maybe it’s not all very important anymore because I don’t have a ton of tangible extreme successes to show for the ways my life has changed over these last 10 years.
I keep waiting for things to happen, books to be finished, races to be won, PR’s to be had, to talk about, to show the world, that might be a little more important to share, or that might seem to captivate an audience just that much more. Always searching for ‘more’ I find myself caught in the suspension again, waiting to live. It’s the feeling of a jail cell, but not necessarily with physical weight. It looks a little different 10 years later but it feels like the same old anxiety and despair.
SO, in that realization I will share with you what all of this is about…
Tomorrow, I leave for Boston. The other side of the country! My breath calmly moves in this space as I already know and feel there is absolutely Nothing I need to do to prepare for this trip. My body is in a capable, mobile, strong, flexible state and I am able to travel at will without messing anything up, life plans, fitness/nutrition plans, financial plans, family plans, farming plans or otherwise.
10 years ago this trip would’ve caused me to nose dive into a deep pit of anxiety and despair profusely sweating the whole way down. I would’ve detached from those feelings just to make it through so it all wouldn’t ‘hurt so bad’ and furthermore all of this would’ve happened before the trip, therefore causing me to choose to not even allow myself to go on the trip in the first place! The raw truth at that point in time was I also would’ve needed TWO airplane seats. I was that big.
I’ve found that the essence of dreams is the feelings and movement that lays within them. Dreams can start out looking like one thing to get you moving in ways you thought you’d never be able to do. Dream state inspiration is like a propeller moving you towards possibilities you couldn’t even see when you started moving. Within the movement, and within the dream is where the real magic happens, because as you move, you become a different person, greater, more capable, mobile, confident, light, and as you’re dreaming/becoming, the dreamer changes (you) which means the dreams change (we).
Your job as being committed to this dream is to be aware when these shifts happen and allow yourself to adapt to the new possibilities for your life. I’ve had a tendency to stop in suspension again at these points. Living in the grief for lost dreams, all while failing to see that the dream is still very much alive, but that it just might look a little different now. But the truth that will always remain is the movement that lays within. It will still inspire you. The magic is that it will inspire you in new creative possible ways that you’d never thought of before…
Dreams don’t die. Only your definition of what those dreams used to mean do. Old definitions and meanings fade away as they evolve into greater unknowns. Once you’re willing to say goodbye to old dreams the new hello’s, the new open doors, will become visible before you.
WE leave for Boston tomorrow. I have become more than a me, as love has graced it’s presence through these open arms. Through all of this dreaming and becoming.
WE. I never thought there’d be a working, loving, healthy active productive we.
10 years ago the only WE I could envision was climbing mountains with my Dad. The same year that he passed away is the same year that Gretchen came into my life. They say when one door closes another door opens… I never believed it until now.
She is a part of my we. We are…US NOW. We dream together now and I am not so alone in this landscape of being, of trying, of dreaming.
I have spent the better part of the last 3 years writing, reflecting, continuing to dream and just trying to wrap my mind around the ways my life has changed, but more importantly the ways that dreams work.
I suppose I wanted some grand scheming definition to share so that I might have something tangible to give to the world. The only thing I’ve found is that the definition of what you once thought dreaming was keeps shifting and morphing into greater realities beyond what you think you can currently be. Therefore, there’s really no concrete definition, other than sharing these experiences of realization and growth of what my life was, to what my life is now, and then into what I feel like it can be, but then uncovering what it really turns out to be!
Now, I am mobile, capable, and able to travel at a moments notice. I do not carry an extra 150 lbs of physical baggage on my body. I feel these sweeping breaths of ‘I can..‘ ‘I can…’ ‘I can…‘. My life has operationally switched it’s focus points. I try not to dwell on the ‘I can’ts’ for too long, because in all honesty, they’ll always be there. There will probably always be something I can’t do, or at least can’t do for now. But in that same breath are all the things I CAN do right now and that’s where I choose to place my presence and focus.
The dreams are closer now. I can visualize what I can do tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. 10 years ago it took years and years of hard work and preparation to even get myself to a basic state of being open and ready to live. Now, the preparation has paid off. I am here, ready and prepared as I can be for whatever wave life cultivates next.
If I can’t “see” it now, can I still be it? Should I still be it? I suppose that is the biggest question now. If I continue to dream in the way I have in the past then the answer would be No. Because when I was heavy, I could always see myself as light, fit, free.
But when I gather and cultivate everything that I’ve learned over the last 10 years to get to this space, I say Yes, Yes I CAN. Why now? Because there is this feeling in my Heart. It doesn’t necessarily have words or pictures surrounding it, but it moves, and I move with it.
“Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. You can’t see the future, yet you know it will come; you can’t see the air, yet you continue to breathe.”
If you can feel it you can be it. I feel this writing. I feel this deep connection space of raw honesty and authenticity. I’ve learned and grown through these feelings, symbols, tones, senses and words. I have grown in Life, but most of all I’ve grown in Love.
There still remains a fear of the unknown, possibilities of the I can’ts, and while I’ve muddled in that space of feeling for years, now it passes through quicker and I move into the I CAN’s.
The I CAN’s change everyday and I change with them.
“Who looks outside, dreams;
Who looks inside, awakes.”
Books of Interest Right Now:
The Art of Empathy by Karla McLaren
When God Winks by Squire Rushnell